Confessions of a Christian Cynic

Hi, my name is Michael Schroeder, and I'm a cynic.  The last time I thought cynical thoughts was...today, actually.
I do tend to be a bit of a 'Doubting Thomas' even when it comes to miracles, (or people pointing out blurs of light that are probably angels in photographs), but actually, if you're a cynic hoping I'll bash faith and validate your indignation against ignorant imbecile believers, you should probably go to another blog, because I'm actually talking about a different kind of cynicism.  That kind of cynicism is directed toward God; the kind I'm talking about is directed toward people.  Stay tuned though and there may be a 'Confessions of a Christian Cynic part II.'
Where does my cynicism come from if I'm only 18, you ask?  Good question.  Jesus mentioned a reason for cynicism that sums things up pretty well in Matthew 24:12.  "And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold."  And even though I'm only 18, I've been placed in situations where I've seen the...uh...not-so-bright side of people.  Nowhere near as much as I will see, I'm sure, but enough to make me wonder at times if there's ANYONE who's really real and wants to genuinely serve God.  There have been times when I've felt like Elijah under the juniper whining to God about being the only one left, then I have to remember God's rebuke to him: "Hey you little elitist, I've still got 7,000 people who haven't bowed their knees to Baal, so quit acting like you're all alone."  The psalmist's words in Psalm 116:11 also come to mind..."I said in my haste, All men are liars!"
But is this kind of attitude right?  God's words to Elijah show that it's not.  It's hard to remember that some times.  When Jesus used the words 'the love of many will wax cold, he was intimating something.  I get the picture in my mind of a candle slowing burning out.  This isn't a sudden process.  It comes from being hardened from seeing iniquity all around us.  I've seen so many people use other people as an excuse to quit coming to church and even as an excuse to stop serving God.  My mom taught be by example early on that no matter what anyone else does, even if that person is someone highly respected, or supposed to be on good terms with God and yet still fails, we can still depend on God no matter what.  Man in his best state his altogether vanity.  People are people and will fail us, and the fear of man will bring a snare.  And the church is made up of imperfect people!  I'm often reminded of Proverbs 14:4; "Where no oxen are, the crib is clean: but much increase is by the strength of oxen."  But in realizing the truth of the first part of that verse, (that the only perfect church is a church without people in it, just like the only clean stall is the one without oxen in it), the chance comes to become bitter and not trust anyone.  I realize that people are imperfect, and therefore, I also realize that people will often fail me.  What do I do then with that knowledge?  Sadly, a tendency of mine is to isolate myself from others.  I'm polite, but don't want to go any deeper.  I rarely share my deeper thoughts and feelings with others.  (You would be shocked if you could hear some of the sarcastic commentaries that run through my head from day to day.)  There are a few select people that I let into my inner circle, but they have to work to earn my trust.
Yet the second part of Proverbs 14:4 is essential to remember.  God designed us for community.  In His creation, after He created everything, He said it was good.  But then in Genesis 2, for the first time God says something is 'not good.'  He said, 'It is not good that man should be alone.  I will make an help meet for him.'  God designed the body of Christ to depend on one another. (1 Cor. 12)  Much increase is by the strength of oxen.  Even though there are some smelly situations that arise from the church, there is also much increase.  What I've come to realize is that I need GOD'S love for people.
I have been teaching on 1, 2, and 3 John recently, and one of the main concepts the apostle John focuses on is love.  Love one another.  And he has some pretty straight comments for those who don't.  And while I nod to that concept in my head, my practice of it is still quite lacking.
I realized this when I was praying a few weeks ago.  There are certain times in prayer when it's like I can glimpse what God sees.  God is holding out His arms, waiting to pour out His love on people, and yet they pass Him by and ignore Him.  They don't listen when He calls, turn away when He reaches out, scoff when He tries to show them His hand.  And whenever I get a vivid picture of this in prayer it makes me morose...and angry.  Why can't certain people see how much God loves them?  How can they do that to Him?  Instead of taking on and exhibiting the love God has for them, I see with indignation this unrequited love and the opposite effect is produced in my spirit.  Yet I have to realize that I've done, and in some respects am still doing, the exact same thing.  I've ignored God's love before.  I've turned my back on Him.  He loves me so much and yet I act like such an idiot.  The parable in Matthew 18 is a very accurate picture to depict the irony of my feelings at times.  And what I'm learning is that I can't love people on my own strength.  I need God's help to do it.  I need God's Spirit to fill me, and produce in me the love that He has for others.  One of the first fruits of the spirit is love.  It's the most important thing we can do as Christians.  We can't let bitterness and cynicism rule our lives.
So what's the recovery plan for this Christian cynic?  Focus on God.  Completely.  Once I get my mind off myself, and off of other people, I have a feeling that loving them will all fall into place.